Transcript:The vampyres explain themselves

''This month is fairly sedate for me, which is a great relief to my old bones (did you know that the skull has 22 bones in it?). I've travelled widely, but at least most of my deliveries were to some fairly civilised people. Glough was a bit tricky to deliver to, though. He kept saying 'Oh no, you've got the wrong gnome'.''

Human,

Coming from a gnome some of your words would be very flattering. It is a shame in many ways you were born a human; for all my hatred of your kind I must grudgingly respect you as you have been a worthy adversary up to now. Perhaps had you been born a gnome we could have stood together on a battlefield? Ah well...

Thankfully for me, and all gnomekind, you humans are so short sighted. Foiled my plans you say? Well if you really think you have heard the last of me that is wonderful: you can relax by the fire with some of your human delicacies. A pastry stuffed with redberries and some tea leaves in hot water! You can write me another letter to inform me of just how nice your pie was, only next time you will have to address it to King Glough.

I think I have told you quite enough about my plans now, but at least you can sleep peacefully knowing my “brilliant” mind is not going to waste.

Oh, and one more thing, I can assure you, adventurer (or should that be oversized meddler?): should you ever touch my nose I will stick a chocolate bomb so far down your throat you’ll be coughing up candy for a month!

Yours extremely sincerely, Glough

Cenas Lil Bo

Please, dear Saradomin, don't hurt me. I often wake up on my massive throne, surrounded by some of the most brain-curdlingly fearsome creatures you'll ever meet and think "Champion. You are so mighty and feared by whoever confronts you. But yet you know in your heart, beneath your little paint splodges, that Cenas 'The Ridiculously Solid' Lil Bo is out there and could destroy you utterly with a few stabs from his iron longsword".

That is what I think.

That is really, honestly what I think.

Lil Bo. That was sarcasm. The Imp Champion has been teaching me it. You will see me in your dreams, when I bathe in your soul.

Leon d'Cour Champion of Champions

Dear Plum Nutty 1 and 1indian,

Well, that is rather the point is it not, imperfect human? There are no criminals within these walls - they only reside in the lands of men, gnome and beast. By guarding the gates against that which is outside we ensure the purity of our race. We cannot possibly even consider allowing you to set foot inside our ancient city, older than any other structure remaining on the face of RuneScape.

You cannot understand. You are not perfect enough. If you had ever seen the splendour of the Tower of Voices refracting in the sunlight, or the air itself in every corner of our city turn to rainbows in the Spring showers, or the last rays of the evening sun turn the world to deepest shades of bloody reds you would understand that no elf could be a criminal. We live in beauty; not this impure, unclean world that the other races grovel in.

Return now to your King Tyras, ruler of humans, and tell him that our city remains barred to him: he shall not pass.

The Elves

Dear blood sack,

My Lord Drakan is not inclined to reply personally to one of the cattle, but such slander cannot go unanswered, so I have been charged with defending our honour.

Count Draynor was a sorry excuse for a vampyre, and was cast out for his cowardice. It is only right that he be slain by the cattle he aimed to rule, and his long absence from my Lord's presence is what weakened him so. Be assured, there is no weapon on this world that can harm a full vampyre. At the peak of our powers we can turn darkness to solid form, control the weak-willed and pull the blood from your body without touching you.

We are not all cruelty and hate, of course, and I have been asked to present you with this gift of a portrait of the Drakan family. My Divine Lord's image is absent because his visage can never be truly captured.

Yours sanguinely, Solomon Lamescus

Meat,

King speak human better, but me glad to reply for dragons. Human know more of dragons soon. Dragons DO fly, you just see us on ground when eat you. See how proud Elvarg toast Crandor Island? Dragons have no past and dragons have no future, just are. We truly are masters' creation. This also reason why dragons attack - it come from masters' urge...need, to destroy. If you have trouble with us lowly dragons, you have BIG trouble with Kin. They return soon; we feel power growing, calling to us, calling to them... The very weapons that make you strong bring Kin's return ever closer. That irony - HAHAHAHAA. (Sorry. Dragon joke. You no get.)

Green dragon, Wilderness

p.s. How you think Postie Pete skull in first place...?

How ya doin', Dog'ealer66,

Oh, and let's be gettin' this straight, yeah, I din' give ya no ID or nuffin'; ya din' see me, roight? Noodle don' do no dodgy dealings, I'm all legit 'n' stuff. Besides, it were bizness, pure n straight - the report weren't mine neither, it were 'urs so you could, ya know, do ya thing...and yer did, so quit flappin', buddy.

I ain' against the Muvverland's war, per se. I'm more of yer...entrepr'neurial penguin type, like...a made macaroni. Me 'n' me bruvva, Alfredo, 'ave a, ya know, certain way a doin' things...our way. An' don' be riling me speech, mate, making fun o' poor Noodle's noodle; I've bin writin' n talkin' like this since I were a chick - it's perfec'ly prop'r fer one a the Penne Lisce, or Fettuccine Mafia, if ya will. Lucky it's ol' Noodle youse asking; if it were them Gemelli twins, you'd be eatin' wi' the fishes. But ol' Noodle ain' like dat...fancy a ring of life, solid gold, only used once?

An' as far as them Lum'ridge penguins go, well, Rotini has a thing abaat wool, see - funny guy (don' tell 'im that to 'is face, yeah, he don' like it) - and 'ooked 'em up wi' the costume...fer a fee, a course. I 'eard they 'ad some trubble wi' flyin' yeller amfibians on the walk down, or summat. Weird.

Later, Noodle Fideu

p.s. The tar 'n' fevvers...they wuz fer me mum. Tough ol' bird that she is, she's losing 'er fevvers...but she's fam'ly, she's me ma, an' us macaronis do right by 'er.

Veiledvisitor,

Apologies if my words come across as a little cold, Veiledvisitor, but it's another King Sorvott day. Hardly a day goes by that is not interrupted by my distant relative in Jatiszo. This time we find ourselves under quarantine. Thorvald arrived from Rellekka only a few moments ago, dressed to the helm in the thickest cloth, with a letter claiming that our island was riddled with the 'dreaded' Yak's-tail Bugglerot. Bugglerot! It doesn't even make any sense!

Honestly, you hope that one day he'll get tired of it. But, as the old Neitiznot saying goes, "yaks might fly".

Apologies, I am being rude; I should answer your questions. The Tree Asunder of Jatiszo represents the splitting of the family tree while the Neitiznot Yak was the strongest of its herd and was felled by our great founder. We celebrate our own strength through that mighty creature.

As you imply, the Fremenniks have lost their seafaring reputation of late. The new generation is of the opinion that filling a longship with the brawniest of sailors is enough to get them to their destination. I find that it gets them nowhere faster. However, your ideas concerning crystals are interesting. I shall pass it on to Thorvald, before he leaves.

Finally, your patty idea sounds interesting! We tend to rip from the bone, but a yak patty still whets the appetite. We shall call it a beefburrowgar... actually, that should be a yakburrowgar - oh, and a really big one could be a big yak!

Burgher Mawnis Burrowgar

Dear Longaxe of the Human Lands,

Lletya is less the name of a specific place than it is the name of our home. You see, to those of us that defy the tyranny in Prifddinas, Lletya is not one location, but anywhere that we are forced to raise walls and live. Lord Iorwerth's traitorous followers constantly hunt us in all corners of Isafdar, so we must move our base constantly. The lodge you know as Lletya is merely our current base of operations.

It has been a lucky base to have escaped detection for so long, but we elves live much longer than you humans and measure time differently. We can be patient - I fear that Iorwerth's lackeys are merely taking their time to ensure that they find us before we realise that they are already at our gates...

Yours in Seren's light, Arianwyn

Chaotic Crossword
It seems that the Chaos Elemental has you all in a fluster over his dastardly anagrams. I have to admit, none of them made much sense to me, but I guess it helps if your skull isn't hollow! Anyway, I took the anagrams off to the Wise Old Man, who took one look at them and had them figured out. Rather than give you the answers, though, he's taken a few words from the answers and made them the solutions to a crossword!

If you want a few more hints to figure out the anagrams, then, you'd best solve the crossword and then figure out which words go with which anagrams... No one ever said the Wise Old Man would make things easy for you.