Transcript:Barbarians, Tree Spirits, and an embarrassed Demon!

''Hello, readers. Once again I have been delivering your letters to characters around RuneScape. I must admit to being a little scared when I found that my duty to the RPDT would take me to the Barbarian Village, Delrith's stone circle, and even the lair of the Kalphite Queen! But I finally managed to extract responses from even these fearsome personages, and have compiled them below...''

HA HA HA HA! Call yourself an adventurer and you can't even pick up a brick? And your voice is as feeble as your muscles! No matter how hard you yell, your battle-cries will always pale in comparison to ours! We simply have LOUDER VOICES than you! Whether this is an INNATE ABILITY or due to our harsh upbringing WE DO NOT KNOW, and we are unlikely to ever work it out because our village is TOO LOUD for us to THINK CLEARLY! HA HA HA! We have no time for the feeble-voiced weaklings of your so-called 'civilisation'. We make our axes for ourselves! And our helmets we make also, and no true-blooded barbarian warrior would give up their helmet, even in death! It is with our axes and helmets that we journey to the GREAT FEASTING HALL of our ANCESTORS, where we use our helmets to drink the MEAD of the GODS, and the SOUND of our YELLING shakes the very FOUNDATIONS of RUNESCAPE!

Dear Chibikag,

Things in ScapeRune are as they should be. It is your own world that is strange and opposite! And nothing is 'up' with those fish, they are perfectly normal. I've seen some of the fish that people have brought from your world into mine. You catch raw fish, and then cook them on a hot fire to put them into the state that they should have been in when they were caught! And then you eat the cooked fish, fish that looks like it came straight out of the sea! How you can live in such a twisted up world I will never understand. And to add injury to insult, your whole world is overrun by stray humans, while the cats are kept as pets! Your parallel self back in the real world is much better off, living a life of willing submission to her feline overlords. As for why I am sleeping on the job, that is simply what cats do. It is the natural order of things for humans to serve cats, to feed them and give them a place to sleep, and for cats to give nothing in return but the occasional purr or meow. You can't tell me that that is different in your world, can you?

If you had the only dragon two-handed sword in the game, would you drop it?

I understand that cooking food and making cash is important to you, but isn't cutting down one tree enough? We live inside the trees, and if your home were suddenly chopped down, what option would you have but to jump out of it? However often we see our fellow tree spirits hacked to bits, we must emerge and fight to defend our homes.

As for the Eternal Forest...well, since you define that place as one which no humans could find, how do you know that it does not already exist? But even if we could live there forever undisturbed, the trees of RuneScape would still cry out to us for help, and we could not live in happiness knowing that any tree anywhere is suffering. So we must stay in RuneScape and defend as many trees as we can, even though we do little good and even though many of us will die. It is the principle of the thing.

Oh dear! I was already worried about this; you see it's very hot in the dimension I was trapped in, and the dark wizards didn't give me any warning before they summoned me so I simply didn't have time to get dressed. Of course I don't care what people think of my plans to destroy Varrock and make its streets flow with the blood of the innocent and its ancient walls echo with the screams of my tormented slaves. If people don't like that then it's their problem. But I would never dream of offending people with nudity! In fact that was why I was waiting outside the city rather than tearing down its mighty walls at once: I had sent one of the dark wizards off to see if the clothes shop had anything in my size. But they can never find anything I like - I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it is to find something that goes with my complexion and horns. And before they return some adventurer always turns up with Silverlight, and when I see my reflection in that shiny blade I am so ashamed of my nakedness my combat level drops down 27! Once again I am most terribly sorry for invading your dimension without being properly dressed. Rest assured that once I have finally conquered Varrock I will set the survivors to work constructing the most magnificent set of clothes that a demonic overlord has ever worn!

Terrible, isn't it? What is the world coming to? As soon as I spawn I'm a little disoriented and it takes me a few seconds to decide what-- Ow! Aaargh!

What? Oh, yes, right. As I said, it takes me a few seconds to remember what I was doing, and in that time someone often appears and kills me again, just like that. I sometimes think I'll go to Varrock to train on the dummies to make myself strong, but as soon as I set off-- Hey, what do you think you're doing? Get out of my pockets, you thief! No, don't kill me, aaargh!

Oh. Yes, then I sometimes think I'll go to Varrock. But hey, what's the point? I'll never get very far. Perhaps it is punishment for some great crime I committed in a previous life. If so, it must have been a very great crime committed many lifetimes ago, for as long as I can remember my existence has consisted only-- What? No, I don't have any quests for you. Have a flier. No, stop hitting me! Aaargh!

Dear Gnollpaw,

Ah, yes. Your painting brings back all the happy hours I spent listening to the tales of your adventures. I would hang it on the wall of my cave, except that it would not be proper to defile the Tears of Guthix by introducing a competitor to their beauty.

But as for the bowl, come now, you know that the power of our lord Guthix would not make a bowl that is less than perfect. Perhaps the other guy of whom you speak was more skilled at collecting the correct tears. Or perhaps he had more time in which to collect them, for the more someone can entertain me with their stories, the longer a time I will allow them in the cave of tears.

But do not let that dishearten you from your next visit! However many adventurers visit me I still long for more stories, and I am sure I will by fascinated by the tale of how you mapped the haunted temple.

Yes, yes, leave us in peace so we may prosper. Our children have grown strong on your kind and now we wait for the call to swarm again. Do you not wonder where we got those trinkets you prize so highly? They are from times past when we ravaged the land, when we fed on all before us until it was laid barren. Yes, soon we shall crawl forth again.

Now run home soft-thing, leave a trail for my children to follow and show us where your hive lies. We will come for you in time, and we will consume the land again.