Transcript:Rats, Pirates and the Wise Old Man!

''It’s October and the postie is hopping around the world again, collecting replies to your questions! This month we look at why rats run widdershins, ask chaos dwarves how they remain so cool and we finally get that long* awaited reply from the Wise Old Man!''

(* Long as in long-winded)

Dear 2britishspy,

Well, I must say I am shocked by your revelation. As you might know, I don’t spend much time upstairs, but I had always trusted the knowledge of our experts to deliver only the finest quality exhibits. Now the very reputation of the Museum lies in ruins...and fake ruins at that.

I believe these particular examples came from our “Northern Desert History Expert”...a Dr Ali. He described them to us as the “finest in Kharidian craftsmanship”, yet now I realise they are just some shoddy Faladian knick-knack! Rest assured, next time I visit him I will be leaving with more than just a fake beard.

I will make sure that the exhibits are changed for next year’s grand re-opening! Let’s hope your contributions will be well received.

Yours rather un-prehistorically,

Haig Halen Varrock Museum Curator

Dear Pure K O,

Well, it was difficult to get an answer for this one since nobody was available for comment.

The count himself was busy at a stake-out.

The visiting mummy from Sophanem was far too wrapped up in his own worries.

“Pipey” the skeleton was off looking for undead chickens (I wished him bone voyage and bone appetit).

The cursed trees didn’t want to branch out into furniture design.

I wonder if Draynor Manor has a Chairman?

Sorry about that...

Pete

Mad Max Magi,

Ye be tryin’ tae hornswaggle ol’ rat? Ye old drivelswigger! Abaft the rat be the terror of the high seas, he be binnacled on a floatin’ paradise, all cheese duffle an’ no mistake. All is quaking ‘neath the rats. Blackrat, he be called, an’ there be no ship a-floatin’ ‘gainst his wind.

Afearred of the rats, a curse be laid upon the island an lightnin’ come athwartships, cleavin’ the mast an sinkin’ ol’ Blackrat. Rats too cocky, never watchin’ their backs...never be ready for death! Rats fled to the high seas, leapin’ an’ a jumpin’ in Davey’s grip, always be turning back case the curse be followin’ them.

Rats is never makin’ same mistake twice...but we is running widdershins...pink eyes is never loving sunwards...

Blackrat the Pie Rat MCXVIII


 * Well. I tried to take it to the dwarves, but it confused them. Apparently they aren’t that musical unless it’s about beer and gold. So, I took it to someone with a far greater appreciation of music...and randomness...

Zippy Scyther148,

Dress up big like a flappy bird, happy bird Hunter strong when the ferrets herd, heretic’s word Flappy high with twelve willow branches, brillo lunches Bandos down with hail of punches, pail of hunches

Impy sheep new and shiny, sew and ninely Curator taught but the kids are whiny, wilds not kindly Izso easy to make troll king shiver, shoal thing river Pick it up with the undead quiver, quintet liver

Sing the song for shanty claws, clumpy gores Seasons pass for animal lores, magical chores Penguin eyes are low and evil, crunchy weevil Brutal way for shark retrieval, rather medieval

Trawl along the ancient bed, sucker’s head Dwarf and scorp are almost dead... Almost dead.

Chaos E

Avast, Yuccon!

'Tis always good to find ye've got a fan, even if they are only a fresh-off-the-boat pirate wannabe. Keep up the pirate talk and I'm sure ye'll be a full blooded, 'rum' swillin' buccaneer in no time! Before I start gettin' all bashful, let’s take a look at yer questions.


 * 1) Because I'm the most honest pirate on the island. By that, of course, I mean I'm the most honest about bein' a cutlass-wavin' dishonorable sea-dog.
 * 2) San Fan's parrot be called 'Cinders' after the first distillery went up in smoke. Dan calls his parrot 'The General', because he's a foppish sort of fellow.
 * 3) I'd tell ye, but then I'd have to kill ye.
 * 4) In the navy, where you can sail the seven seas. 'Tis astonishin' how easily ye can get yer hands on some slightly-soiled navy clothing when yer a pirate.
 * 5) Because if ye opened the box ye'd see that I'm takin' yer goods, and postin' an inferior replica to yer bank, and sellin' yer own items te the pirates in port, that's why. Don't tell anyone, mind: just our secret.
 * 6) No. Wait, yes! Yes, I do, and he owes me some monies. I'm sure he'd thank ye if ye'd pay in his stead.

Well, the warnin' bell be ringin' and the smoke is pretty thick, so it looks like another game is almost over. I'm off te peddle me wares te the others. Keep workin' on yer piratespeak!

Honest Jimmy.


 * *Those of you mildly confused by Honest Jimmy’s method of talking (I’m sure he’d call it his ‘unique parlance’) might like to consult the Book o’ Piracy in-game, which has recently been updated.

Dear Marioman318,

I gather from your letter that you have been quite assiduous in your studies of my little house and my recent activities. Well, my dear chap, I shall start by thanking you for your interest and enthusiasm! It gives me a great sense of satisfaction to see that the world has not forgotten me since I retired from my adventurous life.

In the course of my little escapade in the bank, your friend Elfinlocks was unfortunate enough to get in my way and I was forced to incapacitate her. Now you have written me a letter demanding that I right her wrongs. Perhaps it has not occurred to you that, even if I were to accede to your curt request, it would not benefit you in the slightest!

Allow me to elaborate. In the distant past, when I travelled the world solving people's problems and saving those in distress just as you do today, I held the hope that my efforts would be appreciated and met with appropriate gratitude. But what did I get? When I grew old and the time came for me to retire, I found myself forced into this poxy shack in Draynor Village, neighboured by a pigment-obsessed hag and a 'navigator' whose prowess at knitting exceeds his ability to steer a boat. Not to mention the constant flow of unashamed thieves through the village market! (The hideous harpy who sits gawking through my window will gladly show you a picture of the house as it was when I first came here.) My meek and placid nature notwithstanding, I realised that if I did not take my reward for myself, I would receive nothing at all. So I took up my trusty staff and headed for the bank. I am sure you would be likewise frustrated beyond belief if you were to dedicate a lifetime's effort to the service of others and receive no reward.

Now, let me return to your other questions. I chose the Draynor Village bank because it is convenient and local. Rural branches of banks are useful, and we should make full use of them. Otherwise there may come a day when the Bank of RuneScape closes its outlying branches and the Council has them transformed into trendy wine-bars.

I am indeed mystified by the matter of that creature under my bed. Many times I have persuaded willing folk to rid me of the nuisance, but always it returns. I suspect it to be a subterranean creature forced out of its natural habitat by those ridiculously attired xenophobes who call themselves HAM. On account of its incessant snoring at night, it is not welcome to seek asylum under my bed, and I shall continue to send people to deal with it until it ceases to trouble me.

Finally we come to the question of the Wizards' Tower. As you may have noticed, I have been training my telescope on it for quite some time now. I have not yet finalised my plans, but I do find myself terribly short of runes these days, and I feel that a short excursion to the Tower might solve my problem permanently. But I doubt I will make any move for a considerable time; the powers of Wizard Traiborn are not to be underestimated.

I thank you again for your letter.

Strength through wisdom,

*D.

Wise old tips
This month...TzHaar! Yes, the Wise Old Man has been researching these odd chaps and has started compiling a dictionary of words. Now, the words don’t work in the same way as our words, so it’s more about the emotion and passion behind the word rather than the literal translation. Apparently.

Jal = Alien, Foreign, Not TzHaar Mej = Priest, Mage, Magic, also loosely translates as Mother/Father Xil = Hunter, Killer, Dangerous, Sharp Kul = Token, Value Zek = Attack, Harm Kot = Protect, Save Kl = Us, We E = The, It