Transcript:Zamorak Considers Some Issues

Issue 23 - Zamorak Considers Some Issues
Zamorak, RuneScape’s ever present deity of anger, chaos, violence and sarcasm, returns yet again to insult the people who took the time to write to him.

It’s just his way.

Topics of particular interest in this extra bonus sized edition of the letters include: snake bones, hair colours, battle poems and the importance of good communication skills.

Welcome back, loyal subjects, to my own special little corner of the Library of Varrock!

That's right! The entertaining part! I know I shared my endless humour and wit with you very recently, but it seems some of you still just don't get it - it being that I am the best, and you are all barely worthy to clean my feet with your tongues!

Thus it is that I have taken yet more time out from my hectic schedule to reiterate the following three important points:
 * 1) Zamorak is great
 * 2) Saradomin and Guthix are sissy cowards who would rather cook sardines than get in a real fight and show off their power
 * 3) See point 1.

So making sure you all bear that in mind, let's take a little look at what the messengers have brought me this time...


 * To keep their skin stretched out nice and tight.
 * The flames of Lloigh-enn are an often rumoured, almost mythical, barrier between various dimensions, that require a spell recited most precisely, that is different for each individual who wishes to pass through.

I am surprised a mere mortal has heard of them, let alone encountered them in person;

I had thought them long since extinguished... You have my gratitude adventurer, it is not often the curiousity of Zamorak is excited.

I will have to look into this, it could be very useful in my plans...

Yes, it is my experience that an army always works harder in their battles with a little heartening battle music, as well as being able to synchonise attacks to a consistent drum beat.

As I understand it, Guthix has some kind of nixie with musical prowess scattering the music of the gods across the lands; if you want to know exactly why Guthix has done this, the truth is I have no idea, but it's one of his little changes I have no problem with, even if the music isn't necessarily my kind of 'thing'.

As for your second question, I'm not exactly sure what it is that you are asking me... you want to listen to the music of the ocean...? Or is this 'empeh-frae' some kind of elvish bard I am unaware of...?

The ineptitude of my followers to allow this to happen is well known to me.

I shall have to take measures to prevent such a thing occurring again in the future.

Possibly with the aid of some kind of permanent fortification that my legions can use to prevent any access deep into my lands by the puny Saradominists.

Hmmm... some kind of permanently constructed castle in the Wilderness to house my warriors seems like a good idea to me... I think I will go round up a few chaos dwarfs to begin construction on it for me... I will of course have to make sure that it will be equipped with various weaponry and defensive items to prevent it falling into the wrong (Saradominist) hands too...

Rest assured, I am aware that some people consider the wilderness to be nothing more than a mild annoyance, other than the place to strike fear into all but the bravest hearts, and am playing with a few ideas to bring back the terror that amuses me so often.

Watch, mortal, as I use my phenomenal cosmic powers to warp the fabric of space and time, creating exactly the kind of shop you speak of, and marvel as I do so with such powerful magic, that it is not only there now, it is as if it has always been there!

Or just go to the clothes shop in Varrock. Sheesh.

If by 'strongest' you mean 'incomprehensible' and 'terminally dull', then yes, yes I agree.

Guthix is all about the incomprehensibility and the dullness.

Just who in the Wilderness is Gunthix anyway?


 * I honestly don't know why people obssess about my wine so much. Do I go stealing beer from all of your bank accounts? Hmm... actually, that's not a bad idea... it would certainly cost me less when paying my lessers to produce the artwork for these letters pages...
 * Either. Both. Does it really matter where the blood came from, as long as it is still mine in thought and deed?
 * Lumbridge is one of the portals of this realm that are most easily accessed. When your deity of choice spares your life and intercepts your passing to a different plane, it's usually just easiest to attach you to one of the many teleport spells that carry passengers from Tutorial Island to Lumbridge castle, rather than starting again from scratch with a fresh spell of our own. Believe it or not, there's a fair bit of work involved being RuneScape's resident deity of destruction, and I don't have the time to invest in letting careless PKers carry on where they left off. Besides, the walk of shame from lumbridge back to varrock teaches them a lesson about being more cunning in future.
 * The quest for regicide, you mean? I wouldn't want to help you in anyway, so I will simply let you know this: You will have to kill a king in a most spectacularly brutal fashion, something I wholeheartedly approve of!
 * Saradominists.
 * My trusted Bloodied Axe has been at my side since first I learnt the glory of battle and the endless amusement offered by the slaughter of my foes. Plus it looks totally awesome embedded in someones head.
 * Don't knock them until you've tried them; it's always funny when someone tries to get in a sneak hit with a warhammer, only to have it bounce off my horns and back in their face, leaving them only a stunned expression and a number of missing teeth.
 * It's always been my experience that pretty boys don't last long on the battlefield... spend more time worrying about the fight, and less about your looks if I were you.

Hmmm... people who write poetry have always struck me as being very sissy folks who are scared to get their hands dirty with a blade.

Having said that I kind of liked it...

More impertinence from wretched saradominists? Hmmm. I answer your questions because I am at a loose end right now, but be wary of taking such a tone with me in future, mortal.
 * They are imps, the most foolish and weak race in this land. Sometimes they choose to disguise themselves as stronger enemies, but do not seem to appreciate their own sense of scale.
 * Grayzag teleports imps in from their own realm, and as they have not yet adjusted to the unique climate we have here on RuneScape, their skin colouring is slightly darker than the 'homegrown' imps raised here.
 * Pah, I ask that fool nothing. I tell him when he may leave my presence and nothing more. I might allow him some small relief from his tortures, but I think he is getting a little big for his boots at the moment and plan on bringing him down a peg or two. Or down a flight of stairs or two.
 * Lemmy? Who or what is lemmy?
 * Mere mortals do not have the powers of magic running through their blood like I do, so have to store charges made elsewhere upon them, bound into runestones, to release the power at will. Frankly, you're lucky you even have magic, I can hardly think of any races less deserving of access to the kind of magical powers I possess than your own. There are a few exceptions, such as Iban or Invrigar, but on the whole mages waste their talents on foolish pursuits like making money or heating ores. There is also a slight degree of strain upon the minds of those who use the magical powers of the gods but that are not naturally adept at channeling that kind of power. You only have to look at the once promising Melzar to see this for yourself...
 * Good footwear and strong calf muscles.

Well, there is that secret arena in Brimhaven for training agaility; it is always amusing to watch people maim themselves there in a desperate attempt to hit a stone pillar and get a ticket.

I would of course recommend anyone with the required skill and bravery to venture into my deep wilderness and train themselves there... the added bonus is of course that if anyone in front of you is taking too long getting around obstacles and slowing you down, you can just kill them and steal whatever goods they were carrying.


 * Sapphire rings throw some of your enemies attack back at them when enchanted, sapphire necklaces look kind of snazzy with a dark coloured costume, and emerald rings when enchanted let the wearer teleport themselves to the dueling arena to settle their problems in the best way: by force.
 * Not as weird as Guthixes dress sense.
 * You should have perhaps asked me what enchanted ruby rings do in your first question...
 * Pah! Do your own dirty work! I am the lord of chaos, not some snivelling maid to run errands for you!
 * *** **** ***** ** ***** with a mackerel.

I'm sure hidden somewhere in that diatribe is a coherent, well thought out and articulated point you are trying to get across. I can't be bothered to search for it however.

In fact, I feel like my IQ has dropped by several points just trying to find that point...

As a leader to a motley assortment of various monsters and creatures, my linguistic skills need to be top notch - anyone who's ever tried to explain to a goblin how a gate works to get them out of the fields they foolishly trapped themselves in will appreciate this - but I was unable to take a single coherent thought away from reading this letter.

Although many warriors shun education as unneccessary, I feel at the very least a warrior should learn enough of the basic principles of speech and language to be able to make themselves understood; communication is key in any concerted effort to enforce power.

Why, if I never took the time to let my goblins know what a good job they are doing harrassing newcomers on the path between Lumbridge and Varrock, they would feel disheartened and maybe even give up their ambushes for quieter, more stupid pursuits, such as arguing about the colour of their armour!

Hazeel is a Mahjarrat like myself; you might find it easier to think of him as a distant cousin of mine. He once had a great deal of power in Ardougne, but was betrayed by their pitiful ruling council for breaking their small minded and pathetic laws. The man responsible (an ancestor of the cringeworthy Ceril Carnillean) for his defeat was given his house and riches as reward, but he obviously didn't do a good enough job as Hazeel was merely wounded and placed an enchantment upon himself so that he might heal and return. The fact that Hazeel isn't the sharpest arrow in the quiver, meant that he forgot to take care of the scroll needed to revive him, and had to rely on his loyal followers to complete his spell for him. Hazeel is now quite alright, and currently running a little errand for me in an undiclosed location. I would tell you more as you seem to have your head screwed on right about who the best deity is around here (me!), but I know those stupid Saradominists sometimes try and spy on my motives through these letters, so I'm not giving too much away. If you helped him out, you already know where he is; if you chose to work against me, then you get no help on this matter from me. Perhaps you may meet him again, perhaps you may not; it really depends on how successful he is in his mission for me, I suppose. He has let me down before, so I would say he has a fifty-fifty chance of blowing things (and himself up) on his mission.

Well, really, why not?

And so my time on this realm playing spiritual advisor comes to an end once again.

I hope you enjoyed being insulted as much as I enjoyed insulting you, and although I am going to be very busy in the next few months doing... well, you're going to find out what I have been up to very shortly, so I won't ruin the surprise (or give you the opportunity to wriggle out of it!) but rest assured, doting followers, I will return once more to spread the chaos to which you have all become accustomed.

But until then, I leave you with my favourite saying and traditional sign-off;