Transcript:Chaotic chat, family trouble and secrets revealed!

''March has been a busy month, with your letters taking me to every corner of the known world. Chats with King Vargas, the KBD, sheep in Zanaris and one of our newest visitors, the Chaos Elemental, have really worn me out! Oh, by the way, if any of you can translate anything the strange beast actually said, please do let me know. He's the first thing I didn't completely understand!''

Dear Kingalex2002

It is far too difficult to explain Seren using your human tongue. All I can offer you is this picture of her, and to tell you that you hold her in your hands whenever you wield a crystal bow or crystal shield. She is the seed which gives them life, and which takes it away again.

As far as followers are concerned, all elves follow the path she has laid out for us...but I have never known a human to follow it.

Blessings be with you.

Dear Stormcrafter,

My abilities? Well, in all honesty they all come through the amulet I wear. I found it one day after killing a whole nest of gazulibirds (now long extinct). I put the thing on and suddenly my hair grew down to my waist! Further experimentation led to the powers you see today. I used to do haircuts, too, but old age has got the better of my eyes and I don’t want a customer to lose an ear!

I have never thought about retailing my amulet - to do so would be disastrous to my business. People are often remarking how handsome it looks, though, so I may ask Doric if he can fashion me a few copies. Pop by when you're in my area and I am sure we will be able to strike a deal. It’ll only be a copy, so don’t get any ideas about putting me out of a job! I don’t want to go back to bending spoons for a living.

PS. My name is Pete, or Peta, depending on my mood.

Dear Bjni,

We’s likes you Bjni, penenemy be impish word!

Us Imps is small ‘cause we likes it that way! It got nothing to do wiv us lettin dat Greygrag fink dat cause we is small, we is easy to control! Him silly finking we do his bidding...he do our bidding! Imps is letting wizzys get sleepy, den BANG! It all over! Imps be rulers! You Postie no tell mages or dere be beads n letters all over de sea! Mmmm, beads. Red ones is best. Mmmm, you got any beads in dat bag dere?


 * (After that, several imps appeared magically next to me, all licking their lips and chanting something about beads. I left.)

Go. It smells like quarter past. Cabbages make the best soup. No, broccoli! Killerwatt killerwatt where have you been? Duckling ugly an was once there. Chaos Soahc, Jas. Hello? 15 at the last count. Did it ask a question? Bizarre boron swell, coolcoder9t tasty, doctor cole cruchy, meaty goodness. Chompy make da bestest yums! No, it seeks the blade. Stop the shifter, torcher and penance! Burn down the rum! Arrr, that it be. Checkmate queen, the boys are in town. My arm's adventure seeks solace with the sorcerers’ garden. Wilderness? Rewind less? Weird lens? Tanath cur!! Tanath cur!!


 * (No, it didn’t make any sense to me either.)

Our time here is short. Our masters only leave us this place so we may bring false hope to the humans. With defeat comes rebirth, with rebirth comes conflict. With conflict comes passion, with passion comes power. With power comes a price. New challenges will only bring them closer to the end, to the precipice of the unknown, to the Kin, and they will show no mercy.

Your perception of strength will be your undoing, tasty morsel.

Dear Derald,

Saaaaaaaandwiiiches! Well, it’s my job to teach you all about new foods – you can’t go around eating the same old thing everyday! Besides, you didn’t pay for it, did you? In my day, adventurers were happy with just a loaf of bread with some cheese! Not these days, it's all foccacia bread, hand-reared ham with a layered bagel and a cappucino! And then there's... Oh, hang on, you're looking a little pale, did you want a sandwich? But you can only take the triangular one….

Dear Regent,

Regarding the wedding, you know how awkward my children can be! Both of them claim to have nothing to wear, Brand is busy writing his own version of the wedding march (Guthix save our ears from that one) and Astrid, well, Astrid seems to think that she needs her own palace built before she even puts thought to a wedding. Kids can be so demanding! Apart from all of that, there are rumours that Etceterians are exploring the caves below the islands, which can only lead to no good. We can't have the palace cave in during a royal ceremony, now can we?

Regarding my travels in the icelands, I have been considering getting my story written down as a book so all may enjoy it. If I do, I’ll let the Postie know and we can discuss it over a nice warm glass of mead.

Well, after a few hours searching for a little chap and dodging past greater demons so I could do a spot of tree surgery, I eventually reached Zanaris and its talking sheep. Fortunately, the sheep in question was more than prepared for my questions and recited this poem for our amusement:

 In the body of the fairy land Where the gems are sharp and the feasts are grand Lives a group of philosophical cows With sheep that sing and have books to browse It is said that the magic of the fair (No matter how contrary) Affects all that treads on its noble floor To forget the trials of death and war I’m sure you’d agree, given the choice; Eaten for food, or given a voice?

Dear Steve639,

I’m afraid I couldn’t possibly divulge the secret nature of my special mission, sir, ‘specially one so secret that not even I know about it. Apparently, my brother Harold (he’s the clever one in the family) has been keeping guard of the weapons room, and doing a very good job of it! They tell me they are so impressed with the Brothers Dimm (that’s us) that they want me to guard the signpost! I reckon it’s a trick, 'coz no signpost needs guarding, so I must be on a special secret mission! Anyway, bit of fake blood an' a limp, and everyone's convinced! So I tell you... Argh! Watch out for that rock! Arrgghh!