Transcript:Happy Birthday, Mr Elemental.

''My goodness, I am surprised that this month I paid many visits to non-humans. I get so used to visiting Reldo and Party Pete and the like that I forget that there are an awful lot of charming people that, well, aren't 'people' as you'd expect them to be. There are, of course, still letters to humans this month, but I was rather pleased to visit TzHaar, Canifis and Shanty Claws's shanty-filled ship.''

Honourable JalYt-Ket-Brendanl0001,

TokKul is precious to us; why want you to trade it to someone else? Do you not know that TokKul is most sacred? We TzHaar age and harden, and when death takes us naturally we are then solid, unchanging obsidian. The ancients among us are then made into TokKul to ensure that they remain cared for by their descendents.

JalYt-Ket-Brendanl0001: you would trade the bodies of your ancestors? We do not wish for TokKul to be traded by hands unwatched by TzHaar.

Rage is foolish without focus, TzHaar-Hur-Lek

Foreigner,

Ak-Haranu not know fully what you ask. You call Ak-Haranu brute, and yet ask help and information? You foreigner rude to honourable warrior! I come from many far to east to see what west offer, and find only savage and impolite. Green men of Phasmatys better mannered, and green men of Phasmatys dead! Master Robin only foreigner Ak-Haranu wish to know, for Master Robin is great archer - much revered profession in east.

Ak-Haranu must sell equipment from empire's armies to get home. I have no desire go past walls of ghost-city, only lamia and leech in forests, and I doubt much else beyond.

Ak-Haranu

Dash133,

Were-demon? Demon-like? What nonsense you spout. I am DEMON! Were the cloven hooves and pointed tail not clue enough, or did you think me a puny man in some silly Hallowe'en costume? Bah! Not all demons are evil incarnate, you know, and only one of them is a double-hard Slayer Master! As for other demons in Morytania, there'd better not be. I chased them all off to gain my Slayer Master monopoly in Canifis, and I'll do it again if I have to.

Besides, your abilities are already honed beyond what I can teach you at this time - stop pestering me. Be away with the fairies or go trouble the Shilo: Chaeldar and Duradel await you! And if I do possess mystical powers that you are unware of, then you remain so...

Mazchna

Dear Darragh44,

Is it really worth it? To give up on the eternal struggle that is balance vs imbalance would be to give up on our right to life itself. We must continue to fight until we have finally halted this unrelenting invasion, lest the whole of RuneScape be overrun and destroyed - and then where would your beloved trees be, eh? The trees on the Void Outpost are symbolic of trees everywhere! Save the trees!

Sincerely, Sir V. Knight

Dearest Owd2,

Your letter has worried me a little. Not the bit about the hair, but the attentiveness of my congregation. I feel that I have to write a fresh and exciting sermon. I have called it “Oh Saradomin! Oh brilliant and downright excellent god of everyone here - including Nigel at the back - you love us when we are doing a spot of washing up, especially when we do a really good job of it and don't even miss a piece of pie that we hadn't spotted on the underside”.

I am even writing the follow-up “Saradomin: what is your brilliant mind thinking when I pick stones from my sandals?”. It's going to be, well, incendiary. Come hear it, we have very soft pews.

Father Lawrence

Good morning Madame Arwen9854,

Oh! We of the World Hairdressers' Annual Meet, or as we like to call ourselves, Wham!, would like to...apologise for the lack of taste you've displayed in our Temple to the Coiffure in Falador. The Faladian fashion has always been for short hair to be a symbol of status and power, as the less financially secure cannot afford to have their hair crafted by us. The very idea of people wishing to grow their hair long like a pauper is unthinkable to me. However, I have noticed some interesting styles blossoming in far-flung boutiques.

As to why I am the only hairdresser on the plane of RuneScape: I am not, there are others who simply choose not to sell their skills or do so only for very good friends. No one who has ever trialled to become my novitiate has ever had enough sense of style, taste or talent with their hands for me to allow them to join Wham!. We do not simply 'cut' hair, we craft it. We shape it and style it so that the gods themselves will be jealous. For me to bestow my services on a wild and rugged warrior, the price, considering what I can do, cannot be too high.

Ribbons? Ribbons! Pfft. I can clearly see that you would not make the grade. Even Ridgeley, the chinchompa whose efforts power my pole, has better taste than you.

Hairdresser Hair-Architect

Avast ye, lubberiest of landlubbers,

How be ye? Has been nary three months since I last saw ye, wit' yer gublinch freezin'. You were a brave'un – I could've done wit' ya on the Seahound. Ye'd have made a grand foremast jack. Not that the last'un was swallowed up by a sea troll, no sir'ee.

Well, to yer questions, as you were kin' enough to correspond.

Aye, I be a werewolf, an' no, I bain't be one of the Morytania pack. Bunch of landlubbers wit' no control over their changin's. One minute yer chattin' all harmless, an' the next they're in yer face, slobberin' like a dagannoth. I tell ye, a good month atop a turtled ship, sharks a'circlin' like the 'ands of a clock – that'd burn some sense into 'em.

As fer yours truly, Shanty Claws be a sailor wolf, a canis aquos. Me father were a sailor afore ol' Shanty, his father afore him. We go back to the wars, the fam'ly Claws, an' no Morytania e'er came into it. We may 'ave been, some distant moon ago, a land wolf like the rest of 'em, but don't go lumping us wit' 'em. They wouldn't know their lanyards from their larboard. Darn droolers.

Keep a clean bill 'a health, Shanty Claws

Dear ih8haxors,

Are you suggesting that I stole back the boat that I sold to you, and then painted over the name in order to pretend that it was a brand new boat? Nonsense... I think you’ve been knocking back too many Short Green Guys, my vessel-less friend! I don’t know who these court martial people are, but I do know what lawyer means (I’ve needed a few over the years!) and I’ve got a great one to defend me for super cheap monies. He has won every single one of the one case he has fought, so I’m in very capable hands.

If you wish to take this any further, you’ll have to speak to me through him:

C. P. L-F. Carruthers, Esq (LLB) Legal Consultant - Weapons Division Carruthers, Landsbottom and Og Lawyers of Distinction

Bye then, Klarense

p.s. 20k, you say? I'll have my accountant get in touch - it's the same guy.

Wise Old Tips
This month is the Chaos Elemental's birthday, and as one of the oldest and possibly wisest entities in RuneScape (Gypsy Aris estimates its age to be equal to the number of yew trees, minus the number of coal rocks, times the number of werewolves, with an accuracy of plus or minus two thousand). In celebration of its birthday, I've asked it to supply a few anagrams for your delectation.

I am it. Hangar's at ninth egg on motion.

A shingle's ounce ramp, cur!

Hi, Jimmy's a nontechnical pomps.

Lurk, thesis-stink! Oh, till goofier homonym.

Guaranteed slimes sing.

Ocarinas blast it: tell warranted variants.

A camouflager's overworked net.

Hotshot manatee, not thorns!

Utmost hop; up, ghastlier salad net.

Now seething benign, hesitant. Now degraded trash.