Transcript:You enjoy Postbag from the Hedge.

''Hello again, adventurers and explorers! I've had a fairly quiet month - mostly because I've had surprisingly few visits to the Wilderness. I may only be a head, but the bandits and dragons seem to think I'm a trinket they can use to decorate their home. Anyway, I fully expect to 'head off' there next month, as you all try to think of things to ask Kolodion or the King Black Dragon (who makes an excellent cup of tea, by the way)...''

Morning, prey.

So many questions for a Fremennik spawn. Normally, you bearded fishcatchers just grunt and die, so this is perhaps the most we've heard from you. Out of curiosity I will reply on behalf of my brothers, and also because there is an error that needs to be corrected. Pass it on to the other sinewy Fremennik.

That error is this: we are not here for your amusement. We have called this world 'home' longer than you have and, as you may have noted, we have that annoying ability to outlive you. You and your brethren should open your minds to the possibility, then, that you are here for our amusement. When we best you for the umpteenth time in our arena, attacking you from each point of the combat triangle, think upon that.

As for your other questions, Fremennik, I will waste little of my time answering them. A day of slaughter awaits me, after all. First question: the command of an army as fearsome as ours is truly something. Maybe you could collect your filthy fishermen together and give us a better fight some day. Second question: they would be interesting foes - we dagannoth have no word in our language for 'friend' or 'ally'. Third question: no. Fourth question: the pathetic damage our lesser brothers deal out makes you run, Fremennik? Haha, we await you with glee. Fifth question: a safe minigame? We pity you, prey.

Akranoth dagnathi, Dagannoth Supreme

You feel greeted by a voice in your head,

You are sure that this voice is useful, that it is keeping you safe from danger. You are aware that the sluglings of Braindeath Island are of no use after the quest, so you wonder why you even bothered to ask. You begin to wonder why you even wrote this letter as you realise how useful the voice is.

You feel comforted by the voice's quality of speech and excellent accent; it sounds well educated and charming. More than ever, you are certain that this voice is some gift from the gods - granted to man at the dawn of time. Then again, you have been wrong about things before. You now feel confused.

You wave goodbye to the mysterious voice.

Hello, surface-dweller,

Why would we not stay where we are in our beautiful, brightly-lit city, Dorgesh-Kaan? The Dorgeshuun are more than content to stay in our long-standing home - although our race initially only came underground in hiding, over the centuries we have literally carved out our own piece of paradise below your Bridge of Lum. However, we are also very excited with all that contact with you surface-dwellers has opened our already exceptionally large eyes to - particularly your exotic surface foods like 'tomato, cheese and meat-topped round-breads' (as long as it's not H.A.M.) and the 'pie of red berries', and we look forward to someday welcoming your kind, and your foodstuffs, into our home.

Kind regards, The Dorgeshuun Council

House,

Ack, the world is a better place since yer dispatched that great firebreathing brute. She wouldn't 'a had second thoughts about roasting yer with her breath and tuckin' in to an adventurer supper. That's what she done to Crandor, after all...

Did I ever force yer to kill her for me? I remember you coming to me with yer little sword held high and a malicious gleam in yer eye! I hope yer little boycott brings the 'mighty' Elvarg back to life but I don't think it's going to work meself.

You want to blame me? Well that's just fine and dandy, but I think if you want to find the real culprit here ya might want to look at yerself.

Happy dragon huntin'! Oziach

Dear Jimtheoutlaw,

Fat? Really? You think so? I'm quite big-boned, I guess. Darn it! I don't have any bones anymore - it can't be that. Maybe it's all muscle? Nope, that's gone too! Sheeeesh. Does my armour make me look fat?

I have been 'infesting' an awful lot recently - player's life points can certainly get fattening. Or maybe you saw me in profile; I do look thinner from the front. Purple was never my colour either, it makes me look a little podgier than I truly am...

Yours medium to largely, Guthan the Infested

Dear Cosmic Man78,

This is a peculiar tactic, indeed – giving your enemy fashion advice?

I commend you for noticing how dully grey our outfits are, though. I have brought this issue to the attention of my knights, but they appear to have an allergy to good hygiene and self-respect!

The armour itself is actually very good...exceptionally crafted and tough as nails; we are lucky to have such resilient protective-wear. All it needs is soap, water and some hard work!

If I cannot convince that rag-tag band of warriors to start taking care of their armour, I may have to take drastic action, rob Tegid the druid of his soap, and clean them myself!

Ah, who am I kidding; I'm no peasant.

Thank you for your concern, Lord Daquarius

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… AH HA HA HA HA HA…

Oh, sorry. I expect you'll be wantin' a reply that don't involve me laughin' at you. Well, okay then.

Dear Tuy789,

Well done for spottin' me behind the controls of the catapult. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed me before! Although, I am quite short, I s'pose. The reason I was ignorin' your (may I say, bootiful) dancin', was ‘cos I was busy launching heavy items at your face!

Also, I would advise you not to offer me money next time, as although I am partial to a bit o' bribery, my boss wouldn't like it. Gamfred pays me well enuff and he don't want me earnin' more than him.

Oh, I almost forgot... My favourite flavour ice cream is doughnut.

Bye, Nigall

‘Ello Streamqueen,

Zzzz... Zzzz... *mumbles* angry space kebbits... Zzzz... Zzzz...

Mushroom

Wise Old Tips
Following up his ever-popular translations, this month the Wise Old Man returns to provide a few definitions of some odd chatter that he overhears with distressing frequency.

Noob 'Excuse me, but I appear to have adhered this fish to my left eyeball.'

Woot 'I am most excited at the prospect of trimming my nails. Tally ho!'

Zomg 'If you would please look this way, it seems that my trousers are poorly tailored.'

Lol 'Do you like cheese?'

Ty 'I am fluent in over five million forms of communication.'

Afaik 'Oh dear, it seems that I was recently slain by a goblin.'

Leet 'Oh look, it's quite near two o'clock! I shall be late for my embroidery circle!'

Peekayer One who fashions ornamental rugs.

Expee A young gentleman of modest means, good breeding, excellent table manners and poor dress sense.