Transcript:Jellies, Rocnars and Rantz gets literate!

''Hello and welcome to the August edition of the Postbag! This month we hear more from the King Black Dragon about the 'Kin', a belligerent Fremennik replies to a belligerent adventurer, and there's something involving peanut butter and jelly.''

Well, that’s the last time we allow anyone to take sketches at the RuneScape Hokey Cokey championships.

There were 12 of us originally, but the gnome ran off when the zombie got disqualified for failing to take her left leg back out again…

Take care,

Carlos (The chef).

Hi Mastaromeo,

'''Never, ever make a bet with a witch. If you do, for Guthix's sake, make sure you never, ever try to dodge the consequences of that bet. Look at me, I did! Still, it’s worked out in several ways, though I doubt I’ll ever get a girlfriend - unless she’s short sighted or a zombie. Sniff.'''

'''Regarding the dwarvern culture, they are a fascinating race and that library of theirs contains some really interesting tomes; if you know where to look, of course. I’m told that the higher members of the mining consortiums have special access to the more interesting areas of the library, so keep yourself available for any further requests they might make of you. You’ll soon find yourself wading through more history than you can throw a chompy at.'''

'''The Wilderness is a barren land, scarred with the wounds from the great God Wars in ages gone past. Legend states that great castles and settlements once flourished here, but it was to be the site of the greatest battle these lands have ever seen. Scholars predict that one day those who championed the war will return to finish what they started. Let’s just hope they never do.'''

Postie Pete

Once there many, many rocnar. On high, rocky mountains, on cold plains, herds of rocnar roam and trample over all. Sometimes we find camps of humans or goblins or trolls and we trample over them: bash smash crash! But humans not like this, they hunt rocnar and kill them or lock them in cages. Wild herds of rocnar are no more.

Now we only live in dark damp cages, listen to humans walk about on floor above our heads. Sometimes floor open and tasty human fall into cage, then we can bash smash crash!

Not know what movies are. Do they fall from hole in floor above? Are they tasty and squishable?

ROCNAR!

Imp Hewer,

Time will answer your questions. The Kin wait for those to open the door to power once again. Power not meant for your world nor mine, power best left. They are the shadow at the end of the corridor, the fly that blocks the candle, the seal that holds the lid and the child who shivers under the cold blanket of fear. They are not the answer, but are always the price that comes from asking the question. Why is it, do you think, that the records have been burnt away or hidden from prying eyes? A world made of adversity and beings bold enough to take the challenge of life is no place for secrets. Nothing can remain hidden forever; they are looking once more and, when it is found, the real masters of stability will reclaim the scales of Gielinor.

Every balance needs a counterbalance... Lest he forget.

Ello yous ‘uman,

Yous use dem long scribblies an Rantz get achey hed, but me’s cleverer dan dem shamans so yous get reply.

Yous silly ‘uman! Fatsie toadies is only for chompie yums, not ogre yums! We's no eat no toadies, dem for small greenies like dem Hayzelmeer. Him weirdy but him unnerstand Rantz, him say it echoey in head. Him funny. How he be in Rantz head? Him not dat small. Anywaysies, Bugs and Fycie be all smiley and jokesey so we no move. Dem ‘umans too needy an with dem questions, always dem the same asks. Silly ‘umans – you is eating dem toady bestest yums! All ogres knowing snails is making baby toadies happy toadies!

Now, yous ask about dem smelly nasty trollies. Dey always be asking for dem fishies back an make dem worstest names. Rantz be seeing trolls called “GP” and “Fat Toad”, what that about? No, me no rule dem. Dey stupid.

If yous is wanting boat den yous is helping with getting Rantz over to dem glug glugs island!

Ogres is making dis place home for lots of shiny moons. Is Jiggig and dem fatsies is not living anywheres yous know. Dem land to da south is full of weird birdies an weirdly thingsies dat ogres not catch – dem too slippery and dem stupid – dey not like fatsy toadies or chompies, so we is building big sticksie wall.

Why is yous got jubbly name? Is yous troll, too?

Yous Sinerrly,

Rantz

Humpf!

Hello Thorlor.

I see you managed to somehow convince the others of your worthiness. Fools. I notice, however, that you didn’t even get anywhere near the cheese from the moon, or the dodo egg. Amateur! Any level 1 Fremennik worth his boots would be able to find them.

I am sure the council made a severe mistake in your appointment. These trials are far easier than they were in my day, ‘specially with all your new fangled teleporting or whatever that funny purple smoke is. If it were up to me it would be a Herculean task of epic proportions with centaur riding, rocnar-slaying and even Guthix-baiting. Ahh, those were the days.

You should pray they never make me chief.

Dear Neatoninja,

You wander around in a doctor's gown and those silly leggings, or even those silly red robes, and then presume to give us fashion advice? We're sure that you're just being overly sensitive because we insulted your outfit while we were following you around. You're right, of course: we should give you our beautiful robes, but finding outfits that allow for five heads is so difficult these days.

As for our musical career, we are only temping as security staff for Zanaris. Once our manager, the Fairy Godfather, gets us a recording deal, we'll be able to quit this job and won't have to follow you adventurers around all day. In fact, you should take this opportunity to ask for our autograph, when we are famous you won't be able to get near us as we will be surrounded by fans!

In the meantime keep your eyes open for our first single, it's called "5 voices of harmony" and is available at all of RuneScape's music shops.

Soon to be famous, Singers 1 to 7