Transcript:May Mixup!

''Hi, and welcome to this month's colourful collage of calamity! In this issue, we look carefully at how the lizards around the minimap got hired, ask Glough what he’s up to, give fashion tips to zombies, and much more besides. Thanks to many of you for popping by and saying “Woah, you weird freaky thing!” Not as freaky as those penguins, I assure you...especially that new one!''

Dearest Tooooon,

There was a job advert that we saw in the Varrock Herald that stated ”Amazing opportunity for 2 trustworthy beings. Be gazed upon by millions and hold the world in your claws! No previous experience required, but good sense of direction a bonus”. As you can imagine, it wasn’t quite what we expected.

We miss pie.

Atlas and Meridian.

Dear Ape Aaron

Firstly, ye'll be wantin' te keep yer hand off me peg, unless yer not too fond of yer fingers!

Second, I do get a lot of inconsiderate adventurin' types playing tricks on me, but fair play to them, if they have the savvy to put one over on such an awe-inspirin' lookout as me, then they deserve to get past. I'll have to pass on the offer of help, but if ye can find me some chicken soup I'd be much obliged to ye. 'Twould be better if ye could add a dash of 'rum' to it. Or ye just throw out the chicken bits and give me a bucket of that sweet, sweet, mind-dissolvin' 'rum'. Mmm...'rum'... As for the weather, it's not great. 'Tis woodworm season if ye catch me drift. I had heard some gossip about the 100th quest involvin' some fancy-dan livin' pirates, with their swanky pulses and posh non-droppin'-off-limbs. When I heard that, I just lost interest. Besides, it would just have distracted me from my watchin' and that would never do.

As fer my god, well I can't go into that. Last time I started talking about It, the Cap'n threatened te whittle me down to a flute, and dance a merry jig on the non-woody bits of me while playin' it. I don't see what the big deal is, but as he's wavin' a pencil sharpener at me right now I'll leave it there.

Good luck with yer fish! 50% Luke



Ah yes, many fail the test of thinking I simply stand here saying 'Hello' all day. Can you think of anyone better to guard the gates of the guild than the Master himself? Besides this way I get to avoid all that horrible paperwork that goes with running this place. I get to leave it all to my Bursar.

The chickens you say? Hmm...interesting story here. A very short person with a black bag covering them clucked - well, I mean 'asked', of course - if we could set up a training arena for champion chickens. He paid well in feathers and cooked chicken, oddly. Said one thing as he left that struck me as strange: "Bwaakkk".

Anyway, must get on, people to greet and all that.

Antony1

Firstly, young human, no jail can hold me, for I have access to secrets forgotten by most gnomes. The magics I used to control those demons are mere trifles compared to what my masters can do. For gnome magics have been long underestimated - by you humans and the gnomes themselves. It is typical that a human might think of these creatures as pets or toys. They are tools to an end.

Am I 'more than a gnome'? No. I am a gnome. One of the original gnomes, and that is more than enough.

Why do I hate humans? I do not hate humans - I merely see them for what they are: vermin that infest the lands once held sacred by the elder races. It was the humans that started war with us, humans that drove us out of our lands. If we have become bitter, then it was the humans that made us bitter.

What are my plans? I have no plans, but my masters do, and I will do what is required of me. So be careful who you taunt young human - our plans are already in motion We are watching, we are listening and we are waiting. You may have defeated me twice, but we are patient. The Second Golden Age of the Gnomes will come soon enough...

Dear Hiimcharlie,

Did you know your name's an anagram for “chair mile hi”? Do you want to become a glider pilot, perhaps? Anyway...regarding your questions. Only gnomes can join my elite (soon to take over the battlefield) regiment as you humans often bring bad blood to the area. Killing innocent gnome children for their hats cannot be tolerated! Besides, I doubt Dobbie could carry 3 of you on his back! Tortoise shells have several uses, but we like to keep our gnomic inventions quiet for now, you never know when they might come in handy. Perhaps one day we can teach you, but not today. The staff you refer to is the “Tortoise Training Stick”, and is the only way we can wake them up!

Unless, of course, I’m being daft and you ARE a tortoise. If that’s the case, welcome on board!

Lt. Schepbur

Dear fleshy one,

I don’t have the guts to change my outfit after all these years. I’d go to the clothes shop but I have no body to go with. Last time I went to Varrock the Barkeeper there told me there was a drink named after me! Frankly, I don’t think I want to visit anywhere that has a drink called Kevin. Weird.

Braaaiiiinnnsss!