Transcript:Zamorak Loves Letters

Issue 11 - Zamorak Loves Letters
Zamorak takes time out from his hectic lifestyle of spreading chaos to answer a few mortals' queries.

Hot topics this time include RuneScape as family bonding, those mysterious red cards that have recently appeared and those oh-so elusive Easter bunny ears...

It has been a busy time for me recently, there's just so much evil to be done and so little time to do it in... but all my faithful followers will be glad to know I have a double-sized edition of letters for you all. I even actually answer some questions sent to me in a rare display of good temper.

The council once put together a team of highly qualified cartographers, and issued them with large amounts of gold and lobsters as provisions, then sent them into the Wilderness to map it.

Needless to say, my followers there ate very well that night.

The council didn't really want to send any more mappers after that, for some strange reason.

As much as I like the idea of meaningless death, Wine of Zamorak does indeed have a purpose. You obviously haven't discovered it yet...

Also, as much as I approve of general stealing, I really wish people wouldn't keep stealing MY wine. Can't you all just steal Saradomin's stuff instead?

I scammed the other gods out of their full rune and got reported for abuse.

Kidding.

I'm not banned from RuneScape... The other gods and myself simply have an agreement not to interfere directly with the matters of mere mortals anymore. Who has the power to ban Zamorak the Mighty? Or the courage? No one, thats who. That's not to say the other gods wouldn't love to ban me, because they would. Oh, they really would. But they can't. So I still get to keep all my lovely dragons and demons to do my work for me...

STOP STEALING MY WINE!

THAT'S WHY!

GAH!

Unfortunately, that darned Librarian escaped from his little 'accident' and managed to find those scrolls of my beautiful dragons.

I think I'll have to make sure his next 'accident' isn't so easily walked away from...

Hmmm... bringing families back together is really more Saradomin's line of work than mine, you know... but I'm glad I managed to cause some amount of suffering, even in a good deed.

Saradomin has been interfering again I see. All these 'happy family' letters are beginning to give me a headache... Oh I wish I had some really bad news emails from someone to cheer me up again....

...and that will do nicely.

There is nothing more satisfying than a job well done... thank you for your letter, it really brought a smile to my face. I'm glad Iban is keeping up the family traditions so well, I'll have to give him some more monsters to play with next time we speak.

Oh, they're real. I think you answered your own question there...

The reason there aren't any bunnies left in RuneScape is so that there were enough bunny ears to go around. As it would be cruel to let loose a bunch of mutilated animals upon the world (although I personally would have found that very funny) The council decided to eat what was left. The last I heard they had enough Rabbit jerky to last them for 40 years, or even 80 as part of a balanced nutritional diet.

I love it when people answer their own questions in the very first sentence of their question.

Think about it.

According to the Council, there were not adequate funds to provide a waste disposal service for the inhabitants of RuneScape to dispose of their rubbish, with the result being that thoughtless inhabitants simply throw their rubbish into nearby rivers and streams, or off cliffs, with zero regard for the impact on the environment.

Excellent. Littering might not be up there with looting and backstabbing, but its still a cause I whole heartedly approve of.

Go to bed. Next question!

Just one example of the hundreds who write to me complaining about non tradable and limited bunny ears. They all start their email the same way

"What if someone wasn't around to get them?"

and they all end the same way

"I really wanted to make some easy money".

Foolish mortals... the council once thought it would be a nice present to players who were playing on holidays to give them a unique item.

This has now become an expectation that there will always be rare drops on holidays, and that these will be easy ways to make money.

They're not. They're a present. If you weren't playing, you missed out.

I am extremely pleased that the foolish Andrew in an effort to give people gifts and make them happy instead manages to annoy people.

It reaffirms my belief in the underlying selfishness of you all.

I was sent this picture recently of my foolish brother Saradomin:



Whaddya think?

I commend the author on their skill in capturing the ugliness and self satisfied, smug, stupidity of Saradomin so well. Excellent work.

I just have time to answer a few quick questions before I get back to spreading corruption and death:

Seamus Aran asks: "What football team/s do you support?"

Saradomin likes the Lumbridge Eagles, I prefer the Ardougne Chimeras. Guthix says hes not really into competitive sports much. Guthix is kind of boring that way.

Leszek 14 asks: "well where are the trolls????"

I believe most of them left RuneScape to hang out on Internet message boards a while back, although as they are a race I particularly like I will be doing my best to bring some back to RuneScape.

Evil Doer asked "what sword you have?"

To which I reply: weapons are for the weak. A True Zamorackian would rejoice in nothing less than the slaughter of his enemies with his bare fists.

Nyar DCE questions me "How many people work at Jagex?""

About half, on a good day.

Just pures wrote to say "In runescape there should be some freshing drinks like sprite coca-cola and fanta"

Which amused me no end, as the number of pathetic complaints about the adverts that surround the free players game would undoubtedly increase if runescape started to have brand name products within the game.

An excellently evil idea, that I fear the council would never approve of.

If however any well known drinks manufacturers would like to contact me personally with large offers of gold, I will happily have Iban open a shop in their name...

MrMario asked "What happened to Saradomin?" To which I respond, you should not ask too much or I will have no course left to me but to demonstrate what I did to the silly old fool personally upon you.

It would probably be fatal to a mortal. Its certainly very painful to a god... Far far too many people ask: "Whats the deal with those Red Cards?" To which I reply, they are given away free at the start of the Tourist Trap quest.

No, they are not worth thousands of gold... Perhaps it is the word 'free' in their description that puzzled the weaker minded players amongst you?

Until next time loyal followers,