Transcript:Zamorak does one

Issue 10 - Zamorak does one
Zamorak maintains his vicelike grip over the letters spreading his message of hate and destruction to those who appreciate such things, and answers a few questions in his own unique style including a Wilderness Survival Guide, and Valentine's Day blues...

Thanks for your devotion, but there's nothing worse than a crawler. What were you expecting from me, full rune? Drawing inspiration from another wannabe "teacher's pet" (yes you Mr.Blibloner) I have deployed three black dragons, who have all agreed to meet with you for dinner.

This has undoubtedly been one of the most popular requests. Holy symbols of Zamorak are of course illegal in the Saradominist states of Runescape. Rumour has it that a few have been smuggled in, however, and can be found in the recently released Observatory Quest.

Dear Enemy,

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it has spurred me on to be far more destructive today than I had planned; I was just going to meet Guthix for a pint. But you're wrong about their being no tomorrow. As a wise old man once told me, "tomorrow never comes".

Except last week, when it came several times. I had the man killed, of course.

Ah, a PKer with a brain - a rare thing indeed. But I thought the first rule of PKing was "Don't talk about PKing", and the second rule was "DON'T TALK ABOUT PKING!"

That's what one of the black knights told me anyway, when we were having a little chat about PKing.

For gods' sake - all three of us - that's the whole point about the wilderness: it's dangerous! And as much as I despise my brother Saradomin, even he recognises that the Wilderness is a place of chaos, death and destruction.

We're not trying to run a theme park here...

Hmmm, it's funny you should mention that. I happen to know that the Council of Runescape is toying with the idea of some sort of speed burst or running ability, which would probably induce fatigue. So well done on anticipating this change: Great minds think alike. Fools seldom differ.

I'm certainly not ignorant of anything. A tad lazy maybe... but since this is a newsletter I can hardly "prove" that this is in fact untrue. I can only "tell you" that it is a blatant lie, presumably designed to lure foolish adventurers towards the mythical bounty, like a sailor to a siren. So full marks to whoever came up with it.

I didn't forget Valentine's and nor did Saradomin. We both gave and received Valentine's cards, in fact. The one I got was from Saradomin's (now ex-) girlfriend - now that's what I call all-powerful!

So all you've really told me is that no one wanted to give YOU anything. In which case I suggest you take a good hard look in the mirror and start asking yourself some difficult questions.

Yes, when the new game engine update happens it will include weapons with their own special moves. And they'll be a lot more exciting than your piffling little stabs and slashes.

The details of multi-player fighting are still being decided, but there will be an option to disable multi-player fighting for those who want to fight alone. I do know that the revamped game system will allow us to have a combat system that is very fair and accurate in its designation of hits and scores. I did try to argue with the mage Andrew against all this fairness, but he wasn't having it.

Ah, finally someone who appreciates all the hard work that is done for him. And yes, of course, you can donate more money. Just make your cheques payable to Zamorak, and I'll be sure to pass on the money to the right people...